T1's Dating Application

So there was some interesting conversation the other day on Facebook about my choice in guys and why I pick the ones I do.  I'll admit, most of my choices are failures of epic proportions.....  I'm a fixer by nature.  Give me the most fucked up dude and I'll try my hardest to make it work.  I know that people don't change and am ok with that.  Perhaps I have daddy issues or something.....  Anywho, it was suggested that I create my ideal dating application.  If everyone could honestly answer it, maybe I could weed out some of the losers, who could go on to the second step of the process, which would be an interview with my friends, before you ever get any face time with me.  Let's see how y'all would rank.  P.S. If you're interested in me reading your answers, copy this, paste it into your email program, answer them and email it to tttoxictwins@gmail.com.  We both like to read shit like this.......


Full Legal Name___________________________________________

Birthday (don't lie, I'll find out)______________

City In Which You Plan On Spending The Next 5 Years______________________

Ever Been Convicted of a Crime (again, don't lie, I'll find out)?  Y or  N
If you have, please elaborate here (and I mean the FULL story)_______________________
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Are you employed full-time in a job that has steady year round hours? Y or N
If not, why?______________________________________________________________
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Do you own transportation reliable enough to get half way across the country? Y or N
If no, please explain:________________________________________________________
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Does that transportation require me to climb in the window? Y or N

Do you have friends that you hang out with on a regular basis? Y or N
If no, you better have a great explanation:________________________________________
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Do you have kids (even ones that don't live with you or you don't see on a regular basis)? Y or N
If you have kids, but don't see them, why?________________________________________
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Do you care that I have kids that don't see their dad?  Y or N
If yes, please explain:________________________________________________________
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Do you understand that I'm not looking for someone to take care of me or my kids?  Y or N

Do you understand that NOBODY will ever tell me what to do or say? Y or N

Has anyone ever called you a Stage 5 clinger? Y or N

Do you have a drug problem that involves snorting or injecting ANYTHING? Y or N

Are you ok with the fact that I have lots of guy friends, but that doesn't mean I'm fucking them? Y or N

Do you understand that my best friends, in times of need, will always come before you? Y or N

Are you ok with the fact I'm allergic to pretty much everything? Y or N

Are you able to, at any point, take me out to dinner without having to call your bank and verify funds? Y or N

Would you ever bring me a half eaten burrito if I asked you to bring me dinner because I was too tired to make anything? Y or N

Do you need to constantly text me and tell me how much you miss me 20 times a day? Y or N
If yes, why are you so needy? Explain here:______________________________________
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Do you have any tattoos or piercings? Y or N
If so, locations & significance explained here:_____________________________________
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___________________________________(what?  you have more than can be explained here? ok, well just put down the weird ones then.....)

Are you ok with spending a late Saturday night/Sunday morning in the Emergency Room because I'm that big of a klutz?  Y or N

Is it ok if, on occasion, we get retardedly drunk? Y or N
If no, please explain:_________________________________________________________
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Will your penis work if we go out and get retardedly drunk? Y or N
If not, please explain:_________________________________________________________
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Let's go back a step... Does your penis work when it's supposed to? Y or N
If not, please explain (but you might as well stop filling out this application now)__________
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Are you just as happy staying in on a Saturday night watching movies as going out? Y or N
If no, please explain:__________________________________________________________
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Are you a doormat who is going to let me walk all over them? Y or N

Are you looking for a doormat you can walk all over? Y or N

Are you hung up on any of your ex's? Y or N
If so, why?  Really, I'm interested in knowing_______________________________________
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The Essay Portion of the Application

What is your idea of perfect time spent with your significant other?______________________
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What's your idea of the perfect first date?_________________________________________
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 Tell me 5 things you've hated about any of your ex's:________________________________
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List 3 things you can't live without
1.
2.
3.

 Umm, I think anyone who could get past this portion with good answers, probably wouldn't need a face to face interview.........